Mermaids are real.

I love my kids. Oh, have I said that before? I may not be the best mother in the world, I make A LOT of mistakes and say things I regret, I have a foul mouth and not much patience but I try really hard every day to be more like the mom I want to be because man do I love these kids.

Last night Bella really wanted to use the lap top to watch you tube videos. I'm always hesitant about this because I know there is a lot of stuff on there that she should never, ever see but shes pretty innocent and I know shes not trying to watch anything bad so I said "okay". This morning I went to get the laptop out of her room and when I turned it on it was still playing one of the videos. It was of two little girls talking about their bunny rabbits. It was cute... and all the other videos she had watched were about "real mermaids" (shes been on a quest to find a video of a real one). So when she got up this morning and came to tell me something about "Blake has muffin all over the couch", I squeezed her and told her I loved her and asked her if she was looking for mermaids all night, to which she replied "Yeah! How do you know?". I love that she still believes things like this exist. She is just starting to question Santa and the Easter Bunny and I'm dreading the day she doesn't believe anymore. BREAKING NEWS!! Bella has just informed me that she found a "spell" that will "turn her into a mermaid" during her internet search last night. She wrote it down and has informed me that she tried it this morning! Umm, maybe letting her look at you tube wasn't such a great idea! The things she does and says sometimes are so cute I wish I would have blogged or kept a journal her whole life.

Yesterday Bella had her "nursing home show" which is like a practice show for her big performance in June. It went pretty well. My only criticism was she needs to smile more. As soon as I can figure out how to post the video I will. I need to get it from my phone to here! HELP! but for now here's a picture of Blake and Jude in a double stroller! Funny.

It's Satttturrrday WOO!

I'm so happy that today is Saturday and NOT Monday. Last night I ventured out to see a friends band play and ended up seeing many of my oldest and dearest friends. It was just what I needed.

(The Gyrators, look out Jeff do his rock stance!)

Today I'm going to relax until noon when I take Bella to her dance practice. Today is the start of her nursing home shows that her dance studio puts on for the month before their big performance. It's a great idea actually, they get to practice and entertain all these sweet senior citizens who are left in these sad places. So at 2 today she will perform her little dance in front of an audience and she seems pretty excited about it! I'll post pics later!

Also I forgot to share photos from when my mother and I visited my grandmother:

(Myself and my Grandma Laura)

(Mom and Grandma)

Hope everyone has a happy Saturday!

<3 Tambra

Mommy

Last night I had a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE nightmare that one of my children died. It was vivid and extremely painful. I woke up so very thankful that it was only a dream. I'm not sure I could or would survive something like that, the loss of one of my children is my greatest fear. I read blogs on the internet of women who have lost their children suddenly and my heart just breaks for them. I hope that I will never have to feel that kind of pain.

I think the child parent relationship is the most genuine and meaningful relationship there is. The love is unconditional. I always wanted to be a mom. One of my favorite things to do when I was a child was to play "house" or "mommy" with my dolls. I used to think about what I would name my own, real children someday  and found myself day dreaming about what they would look like. Being called "mommy" always brings a smile to my face. Blake has only said "mama" a couple of times and it's never really been directed towards me and sometimes that breaks my heart a little. I know he knows who I am but I almost wonder sometimes if he really does know I'm "mommy". I'm the person who gave birth to you and I love you unconditionally. The reason I bring this up is today when I was headed back to work after my lunch break, I was walking up the stairs and I could hear a little voice coming from a car that was in the parking lot. The child was a little boy yelling out the window "yay! Mommy! hi!" over and over. He was so excited to see his mom. When I looked up the person who was coming down the stair was someone I knew. She was all smiles and laughing at how cute her son was. I smiled back at her. Then I remembered that her son is only a few months older than Blake. My smile instantly turned into a frown and for a second I felt like crying. I cant wait for the day Blake will look at me and say "mommy". Sometimes I forget how different he really is from children his age. I think, "he's not that behind" but then things like this happen and I'm reminded of just how serious it all really is.

(Blake eating some fruit snacks)

(Do you HAVE to take the huge dolphin?? Apparently the answer is YES!)

Monday.

It's 9:00 p.m.after a very long Monday and I'm watching "Dancing with the Stars" while writing this so let's hope it doesn't sound like gibberish.
Here's a break down of my day:

6:10 a.m. Woke up.
It took me about 10 minutes to convince myself to actually get out of bed though.

7:00 a.m. Got to work.
"Work" was in compete disarray because they installed new cubicles this weekend. It took a good hour for everyone to get situated and start working which is coincidentally when I had to leave for Blake's appointment at an "Autistic like" preschool

9:00 a.m. "Autistic Like" Preschool appointment for Blake.
I really didn't know how I would feel about this place and to be perfectly honest I was worried it would be horrible. I pictured wild children running around and basically just complete chaos. I am happy to report that it was exactly the opposite. While there was the occasional "fit", this place wasn't at all like I had imagined. The kids were semi quite and pretty well behaved. They were all engrossed in different activities when we arrived, all of which are specific to an Autistic child's learning needs. It was clean and the staff seemed really nice. The director was extremely knowledgeable and I felt comfortable around her instantly. What I like most about the program is there are only 9 children in the class and there are at the very least 1 adult to every 2 kids. I was going to go and visit a regular "head start" preschool also but I think the best decision is to have him start at the "autistic like" program. So in August when my big boy starts preschool he will definitely be going there. The director explained to me that if he is doing really well that they will integrate him into regular preschool there because they are one of the few schools with both on campus! I'm so excited for him. I cant wait for him to start in August!

10:30 a.m. Back to work.

3:30 p.m. Go off work!

4:00 p.m. Picked up Bella from the bus, came home, did mommy stuff

5:30 p.m. Grocery shopping
The only good thing I have to say about this is that it only took about an hour with all four of us in the grocery store!

7:00 p.m. Dinner

8:00 p.m. Children bathed

9:00 p.m. Children in bed

almost 10 p.m. "me time". Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

HAHAHA I JUST saw an "Oscar Meyer" commercial in which a husband says to his wife "can I quit my job and start a blog?" funny.

Mermories...

Yesterday my Mother received a package of pictures and other documents from one of my uncles in the mail. Stuff from my grandmother. For the first time in my life I got to see what my mother and grandmother's real "German" names were, it was really, really cool. I always think about tracking my ancestry but I could never really get very far because I didn't have very much info but now maybe I can. In the box there was a short autobiography that my grandmother wrote when she was 69. I can't even begin to express how truly hard her life must have been and as with anyone's story, I think it really explains why she is the person she is today. My Grandmother was born In Germany to a young, single Mother who didn't want a child. "Mom" was not a word she wanted to be called and so it wasn't allowed. She lived in Germany during the depression and war. Her city was bombed, she was hurt and she lost everything she owned including the only family (besides her mother) that she had ever known. After that she went to live with strangers who took her in on a farm while her mother went back to work in the city. She never actually lived with her mother who was a high fashion hat designer and only saw her on special occasions. My Grandmother moved to America as a teenager after marrying an American soldier and giving birth to my mother in Germany. She remarried when my mother was only 3 and that man adopted my mother.He was in the military so they lived in several different states and England for a time. My grandmother had two sons with him. He left her when his youngest son was only 7 making her a single mother. She worked during the day and went to school in the evening and eventually became a teacher for UCP (United Cerebral Palsy).

I was once very close with my grandma. As a child I would sleep over her house on the weekends. She would take me shopping and out to eat and I remember really loving to be with her. When I got to be a teenager she would constantly lecture me about school and how important it was (which I hated) and was always really negative (which I hated even more) so needless to say our visits became few and far between. When at 21she got the news that I was pregnant with my first child and I wasn't married etc., well lets just say that was "the straw that broke the camels back". I hadn't spoken to her in 9 years until recently. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was put into a home, so my mother I are going to visit her on Sunday. After looking at all the photos and old documents I'm kinda if excited to see what other stories she can tell.

(My Grandmother Laura (American name) and my Mother 1950)

(My mother playing)

(My Grandmother, uncle and mother)

(My mom, Great Grandmother Barbara and me the only time she ever visited the US)

(My Mom)

(My Grandmother and I in 1985)

  I hope everyone enjoys their weekend! Mine will be jam packed but it's always good to not be at work :)

One of those days

As we speak Blake is jumping on his bed. Hard. I could tell him to stop but then he'll just do it again. Boys... about five minutes ago he decided to dump out every single tub of toys he could get his tiny little hands on allll over his bedroom floor. I'm pretty sure he hates organization. Sometimes he gets really mad if I try to pick it up and he'll grab it from me to throw back on the floor. How could anyone hate organization??

ok, maybe it isn't that bad but it sounded pretty bad!

Today was a not so great day. I wasn't feeling good (again), I over slept 20 minutes and I got into a verbal spat with my horrible "uncle" who recently put my Grandmother into an Alzheimer's home, sold her car and disposed of everything else he didn't want except a few pieces of furniture that he so kindly let me have (sarcasm). I don't understand how people can be so cold hearted. I'm not going to get into specifics here but the way they (my uncles) have handled this situation is so very disappointing and it makes me so sad for my Mother. Families should stick together but it seems whenever money or egos is involved people do really stupid things.

So, to redeem this horrible day I will be going to ROE to celebrate my dear friend Corie's Birthday! I've known Corie for about 13 years now (whoa!!), we've been through some great times and some very dark and horrible times together. I love her and I'm so glad that she has recently found extreme happiness and is on cloud 9!

Happy Birthday Babe!

Me and Corie!

Figuring it all out

Blake had his class today at the Lori Ann Infant Program, he goes every Tuesday and really likes it there. I never get to attend because of my work schedule but it just so happens that it is Emett's day off so he always takes him. I'm a little jealous about that but I'll get over it. Today they sent him home with some info stating that we have about two weeks to go visit a couple of schools so that we can decide where he will attend once he's 3. We basically need to decide whether to put him in a "autistic type" program or a regular Head start school. It was a little hard for me to accept but I think the best option is for him to go to a special school first and then hopefully when he's 4 he will be ready for regular Head Start preschool! That is the goal at least. It's really frustrating to not be at all these appointments though. I feel so out of the loop when it comes to his schooling and all the decisions that need to be made. I wish I had some sort of guidance or someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, even at 32 I feel so not grown up and so not ready to make all of these super important decisions. I mean, what do other parents do who have special needs children? Do they quit their jobs? If so, how on earth can they do that?

I have so many questions...