happiness.

This was originally going to be a facebook post but as I typed my "status update" I quickly realized it needed to be more...

 

It all started with this quote:

"I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve".
 

I happened upon it on my FAVORITE blogger CjaneKendrick's blog. She's amazing by the way. It's a Jane Austen quote from "Pride and Prejudice" and it's brilliant. Those words jumped off the page and hit me like a ton of bricks and immediately that seemingly simple quote had answered the questions I had been tirelessly swirling through my head all day.

 

Lately my life has been crazy and full of change. Some good, some not so good. All in all I truly feel like I'm very lucky, that I'm right where i need to be in my life right now and that I should be beaming with happiness and joy! I found an amazing man who treats me like I've always wanted to be treated, two children who depend on me and love me with all their hearts, lots of friends and family who love me, who are there for me when I need them and Blake is doing so good and learning so many new things. Most things are really great. Others, not so much. Being a single parent isn't all it's cracked up to be and I am finding it to be extremely difficult and exhausting and there are days that I can't wait until those little crazies are in bed so that I can have five minutes to myself or with my boyfriend before I pass out (literally). There are some other things going on too that are pretty stressful and no, life is not perfect but really, whos life is?

For the most part I feel like I should be happy... but I'm not. It's hard to even type that, to admit it out loud. I wouldn't say I'm "depressed" or anything like that, I don't need medication, something has just changed. I'm not overjoyed like I was, maybe even a month ago. Why am I feeling this way? I was asking myself this today. Whats wrong with me?  Why can't I just be content?? I honestly feel that maybe somewhere deep inside my subconscious, I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I don't deserve to have a great life. Why do I not deserve it? I have no idea. I think much like the quote I need to learn to be content with being happy and even though I feel I don't really deserve it, maybe I do?