Thursday, April 26, 2012


Last night I had a horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE nightmare that one of my children died. It was vivid and extremely painful. I woke up so very thankful that it was only a dream. I'm not sure I could or would survive something like that, the loss of one of my children is my greatest fear. I read blogs on the internet of women who have lost their children suddenly and my heart just breaks for them. I hope that I will never have to feel that kind of pain.

I think the child parent relationship is the most genuine and meaningful relationship there is. The love is unconditional. I always wanted to be a mom. One of my favorite things to do when I was a child was to play "house" or "mommy" with my dolls. I used to think about what I would name my own, real children someday  and found myself day dreaming about what they would look like. Being called "mommy" always brings a smile to my face. Blake has only said "mama" a couple of times and it's never really been directed towards me and sometimes that breaks my heart a little. I know he knows who I am but I almost wonder sometimes if he really does know I'm "mommy". I'm the person who gave birth to you and I love you unconditionally. The reason I bring this up is today when I was headed back to work after my lunch break, I was walking up the stairs and I could hear a little voice coming from a car that was in the parking lot. The child was a little boy yelling out the window "yay! Mommy! hi!" over and over. He was so excited to see his mom. When I looked up the person who was coming down the stair was someone I knew. She was all smiles and laughing at how cute her son was. I smiled back at her. Then I remembered that her son is only a few months older than Blake. My smile instantly turned into a frown and for a second I felt like crying. I cant wait for the day Blake will look at me and say "mommy". Sometimes I forget how different he really is from children his age. I think, "he's not that behind" but then things like this happen and I'm reminded of just how serious it all really is.

(Blake eating some fruit snacks)
(Do you HAVE to take the huge dolphin?? Apparently the answer is YES!)


  1. i don't know him but I would venture to say that he will say it someday and if he doesn't say it----there are always visuals and other ways to show that word/emotion in a way that you and he can communicate. :) it will be extra special either way!

  2. by the way, he is just adorable and look at the eye contact with the camera! workin' it! ;)

  3. I really think he will too, he says grandma a lot but not actually to her. He knows its her though and will ask to call her on the phone. He's so funny and very much on his own path. You cant make that boy say or so ANYTHING he doesn't want to. Thanks Christie! :)